Evenings have become unproductive but busy in my head

It has been 2 months contemplating.

lighthouse, unsplash

Nowadays I have lots of work to do, but I end up doing nothing. Despite prioritizing or taking one thing at a time, I am postponing my writing practice for so long. Somedays are full of fear of living, but living alone, while other days make me think that I am a burden and the rest of the days are spent completing chores, cooking and quietly submerged in ideas worth materializing especially for research and writing.

Suddenly from the past week I am in the phase of thoughtlessness after working with my mind which was full of dangerous thoughts. It has both sides. I feel too relaxed that utilizing my brain for the task ahead has become unnecessary. Or sometimes things are difficult if I have to continue working because we need head on our shoulders to perform.

I am ambitious by the way and so shall remain for the rest of my life. This phase of less productivity shall pass by. Such is my hope for this month of August. So at this moment, 22hrs dated 17th August 2023, I resurrected and am writing again to get back in flow. I was so miserable that any smallest interaction agitated me, but I kept calm. I started detesting family and friends. Therefore, I double checked my emotions. Mosquitoes were biting me during this rainy season, and I did not react. Today morning I attended a workshop on quality of life assessment tool. Though interesting, I blocked my mind fidgeting with technology, waiting for the entire work to get over. I was profoundly tired……but not dead.

I need to recover as soon as possible, so trying a few steps that can help me get back to awareness at the workplace, whole heartedly. I am not in pain, not angry and not incompetent. It is just that the zeal to achieve has lessened. This is dangerous for my kind of personality. Not a pompous show but at least the flow is required. I am stagnating because for example, I am completing a book chapter and I like to read articles thoroughly before I finally write the science in my own words. ………….but I am barely finishing 3 paragraphs a day. I cannot slowdown because the essence will be gone, I will not be able to enjoy this process. Again if I cannot enjoy my work, what is the point in accomplishing it with half hearted cut and paste? So here are a few steps I am going to follow to prevent the impending doom, this is not a motivation, there is enough around and I am not in depression yet.

1. I shall stick to it long enough so that things get done. Deliberately smile when I am writing.
2. Read like a primary school pupil by slow reconnection between words without getting distracted so that I find time to think in between about things like an evolved mind, self love, forming scientific jargon in my mind and just complete what I pursued with definite timelines.
3. Plan my entire day before retiring to bed. But with an innovation like adding a plan for every hour of the day. If I do not do that as an emergency, I might just fall for depression, so it is necessary to plan every hour for work efficiency. I cannot simply waste 8 hours of the day unplanned and not to fruition.
4. Remind myself that I am cozy and happy. What an experience to be unaware of the consequences of my decisions. Whether things about me are liked or disliked, I stay neutral. I do not know and do not want to know. My decision is to move on quietly without freeing myself from my cocoon. If these are the circumstances, why dream of a better tomorrow? Instead make it a better today. So I smile again.
5. Believing in my mother’s supremacy above all beings will not make me lead myself. Family matters but there are other ways to take care of them instead of just worrying about them. Even the divine Lord will forgive me if I do not pray once in a while, as for some moments I want to be free of giving other people utmost importance just due to the fact that they are affected by me…………….are my friends, family even foes.
6. Reading voraciously. Yes this brings energy towards me, I start cooking, dancing in the form of Kathak, talking a lot and truly enjoying.
7. Teaching so much that it gets into their nerves. To make them dedicated doctors, achievers, competent adults who are not just another disability and liability to the profession right from their day 1 in a medical college.
8. I do not have to take things personally, as advised by many wise authors. But strike a balance if it becomes difficult to let go.
9. Burn calories. Be regular to the gym and also relax with yin yoga.

It is hard to resist the temptation of inactivity and thinking too much if depression sets in. These are the alarming signs, so make difficult and deliberate attempt to form routines and live. It will save a lot of trouble, pills, rehabilitation. I do not want to be a victim, or an imposter. So I have shared these 9 steps for the moment. The list can become more diverse once I am back again full of life to achieve.