Doubtful? Take pleasure in Anxiety.

Experiencing life fully means you are doubtful of all options, of a plethora of options.

I went to a Korean bazaar today with my parent. There were wholesalers of clips, ruffles, rubber bands and hair bands, clutches that were pleasing to the eyes. Beautiful colors, patterns, translucent with polka dots, ribbons, soft sheer and metallic. Even the blacks and maroons that were eclectic and carefully crafted. My mother bought clutches, 4 in number following which was my chance to choose something. The options were impressive but I was looking for the best. These are summer months, so leaving my hair open can be unpleasant with respect to the weather nowadays. I have to tie my hair, was my immediate instinct.

I have money for all this but something inside went against it. Suddenly it felt like I need to save as much as I can. But the stuff wasn’t that expensive either. I needed rubber bands!!

The fancy ones were attractive. But again I was doubting which pattern to buy, they all are colorful and vibrant and pleasing. Then as expected out of me, I uttered, I want the simplest bands with a good grip in different colors. My mother looked at me confused. She did not say anything feeling satisfied and proud of me deep inside. I chose 2 multicolored packets of 100 rubber bands each with good grip. That was for utility and simplicity. I do not have to do my hair like an affluent mistress everyday to work. I have to dress decently to work as a doctor. So the simplest becomes extremely gorgeous. I am not rebuking the doctors who have their own reasons to flaunt, because they have their buddies, husband, children who like to look at them and enjoy what they wear. They can do it for themselves also. For me, its not like that. So the gut feeling was right. I need to dress simple. So, she’s proud of me.

Coming back home, this Sunday afternoon, I started thinking about anxiety among people before they do anything and everything. They are always in doubt about how appropriate their behavior is, what this girl might think of them if he asks for help, she hopes this man doesn’t make fun of her curves and so forth. Or we are anxious that we have read only 2 hours today but our weekend plan was 7 hours, getting to the market is difficult as it’s a Sunday, the vendors are money seekers, they might cost us a lot and so on.

The confluence of these thoughts and events made me understand my anxiety. I discerned that anxious people should be comfortable with their doubts even if they prove themselves right with them, irrespective of the fact that many people tell us that our doubts are partly true only. Whatever it might be, these are our doubts. Embrace this uncertainty. Embrace the doubts. Take pleasure in it. Be happy about this humanity, being human and not just some machine that mechanically leads her life without looking left and right. Sometimes the options are many, we may choose something expensive and regret later. “There were cheaper stuff available better than what I just bought”. Still I should not regret because this doubt is circumstantial. My things are bought. I am just checking their worth again, doubtful of my choice and I take pleasure in it. I am clear that it is my doubt!! Let it be. There perhaps is no science and philosophy without doubts. Sometimes things are not causing anxiety, but it can be triggered in the same situation later on. Correlation of two things occurring together may not be causal of a future event. It is just as if they exist together. There could be an influence but that needs a thorough doubtful investigation. Time bound co-occurrence cannot explain all phenomena, thoughts, disease. There is an element of chaos in nature, what we do investigate is a simplified version of this chaos, we just look for singularity in multitudes.

So calm down. Is self doubt, self worth creating anxiety? Chaotic neurotransmitters? No, it is this moment that is making us anxious, I will take pleasure in it for now because this is what I shall do years later thinking I was childish, for example. Don’t we feel less anxious about the fact that we exchanged our needle craft cloths and got caught by our teacher for not doing everything ourselves? But imagine the anxiety then. It could have triggered a heart attack then.

Release anxiety, embrace doubts, be open about your appearance, accent, odors, totally comfortable out there. Be focused on what are your intentions in a meeting, or at a shopping mall. Anxious people often buy more, pleasing the sales girl. Anxious people might lie a lot. We do not judge all the time but anxious people do. Curb this habit. Embrace doubts. It is natural, so work upon it to buy only what you want and you shall feel good about it. Anxiety is a defense. It basically happens when we have placed ourselves above all, not capable of giving in to the situation, and we begin to beat ourselves up for making a minute mistake also. Self-doubt helps in correcting errors, if we blush, it means we took the responsibility. We are anxious only before something comes up, it soon gets over.

Be open to self-doubt, doubts about others and release your anxiety. Try and respond.